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Here's to the nights we felt alive...

You'll never read this, so I'm free to say exactly how I feel about you without any consequences.

Earlier, I was reading back through old MySpace and Facebook messages.
Lo, and behold, I would have to come across THOSE messages.
All of these messages I have read over and over and over and over.
When I felt useless, ugly, unwanted, nervous, scared, lonely, or upset... I'd read these messages over and over to remind myself that someone did actually care.  That someone thought I was worthy of loving and cherishing.  That someone would always be there for me....
I'm speaking of two different men.  Both of them highly creative, incredibly intelligent, and hotter than men in magazines!
These men were never competitors against one another, or any other for that matter.
They just captured my heart, at different intervals in my life.

The story of the first:

I met him, I believe, when I was 15 or 16.  He was, I'm pretty sure 18 or 19.  He lived in a small town a little ways away from mine, and we had mutual friends.  I'm not sure if I met him at church or at Jen's.  Either way...the moment I saw him, I immediately wanted to know him.  He had this air of cool.  You know those guys that just radiate cool? The guys you just want to stand close to so that someone will think you're cool, too?  He had all of them beat.  :)  He was a musician.  Master at drums and guitar, but claimed neither were his forte.  He was a trance artist. Today, he plays all the cool clubs in the state....but this story doesn't take place in the present.  Tony introduced us.  I remember that because as soon as Tony left us to talk, we first talked about Tony.  We soon found out that we had several common interests and several things we disagreed on but loved hearing each other's views on.  He used to call me, and I'd hear his grandmother's cats meowing in the background.  We'd sit outside on the phone and look at the stars together while we got to know each other.  I fell absolutely head over heels for him.  He once walked the 20 miles between our houses to sit with me outside my house because my family had gone out of town and I'd forgotten my key.  We eventually broke into my house and watched stand-up comedy and talked for hours until my family got home.  I had to sneak him into my room, out my window, and ''go to walmart'' aka drive him home.  He made such an impression on me. :)  A true gentleman who didn't just want to have sex with me.  In fact, we never slept together when we first dated.  There really wasn't time for sex, because we were always talking and laughing and gazing off into the silence and enjoying the comfort we felt just from sitting next to one another.
Eventually, my mother caught on that her baby girl was falling for a man three years her senior much too fast...not to mention, my mother has always adored Dereck and Anthony over anyone else I've ever been interested in.  She still does...silly mother...
She forced us to break up.  I threw a fit and cried and cut myself and all that crap.  He....just respected it and stopped calling me and coming over.  When we'd see each other at church, he didn't hug me as tightly and eventually we all got kicked out of the church...and so I would only see him at the park or parties.  I would always be watching him...and he always acted like I was never there.
One day, after a few months of this passed, I called him and asked him why he doesn't care about me anymore?
How can he ignore me when he told me he loved me?
How can he pretend like we never happened?
He hung up on me.
Then he called me back.
He told me that my mother said no and that we need to respect that, that he wishes he could change it, and that it hurts him to see me or think of me and it's hard but easier at the same time but that we should move on...
So... I said that I don't want to move on and that he'll always have a piece of my heart, told him I loved him, and hung up.

A few months later I start working at Sonic for the first time, and I meet this guy.  This guy was uglier than sin, dumb as rocks, and not the most hygienic...but we had similar tastes in music and mutual friends and he seemed like the only guy interested in me at the time.
He took me out to eat a few times and I did his college homework for him and we hung out at work...but he wasn't the one I loved.
He eventually takes me to meet his parents in the towns they live in and on the way back to Monticello, he pulls over on this little dirt road to some hunting camp.  He says he has to pee and gets out of the truck to do just that.  He gets done.  He comes back in the truck and looks at me for a few seconds, smiles, and starts to kiss me.  I try to push him away and remind him that I have a curfew, but it does no good.  He pushes me down and gets on top of me and slaps me across the face.  I try to push him off, but he's stronger than me.  He reaches into the glove box next to my head and pulls out a large hunting knife, which he holds to my throat the entire time he rapes me.  The whole way home I sat naked in the floor board on the passenger side crying while he listened to metal music full blast.  I'm too scared to tell anyone or break up with him.  I play it cool, like it never happened.  I told Katie.  She told Cameron.  They told everyone.  A few of my guy friends ran him over and put him in the hospital.  He dropped out of college and moved to another town.  But regardless, apparently, me dating this jerk really hurt the guy I cared about.  He sent me this letter on MySpace:

Why does love hurt? Some say it takes a strong person to admit their burning love for someone. I say it takes a strong person to bite your tongue; to keep what you want the entire universe to know, buried beneath tons of stress, anger and sadness so sharp, you could easily commit a murder with. Since the day I laid my eyes on you, I felt a strong connection with you somehow. I wanted to know everything about you and I still do. Tony took the liberty of introducing us. I really can’t say whether or not we’d know each other or not if he hadn’t been there with me because I’m a rather shy person believe it or not. But, we did meet and we met for a reason, because as I remember you saying a few days ago to your mother about the lady falling from her bed in the hospital “everything happens for a reason”. By the way, I really hope she’s doing okay now. It hurt me so much when you told me you had been hospitalized a week or so ago. If I had known, I swear I would’ve been there to see you as many times as I could. I guess that’s my fault for being so disconnected. I’m sorry.
I know the reasons why we’re not one. If I could go back and change the decision we made to betray you mother’s trust, I would if would’ve made things between us better down the road. I never wanted anything more than to have someone as special and as sweet as you near me to voice these feelings I have to instead of typing them out, to just have someone to love. I’ve never thrown any of the feeling I have for you away. I love you and care about you as if we were still together. As nutty as it my sound from your point of view, my mind hasn’t parted ways with you. I still hold on to and on various occasions, relive those memories in my mind. Trying hard to keep myself afloat on the memories that tell me someone actually cared about me. This past summer, it seemed as though I had lost every friend I thought I had to depend on and talk to. I can’t begin to count the days I’ve been at home alone and not even have someone to call and talk to. I always think I’m bothering someone or just simply too far out of the way. I wish people could see pass what the media wants them to think. That sex is everyone’s number one priority when trying to establish a relationship with someone else. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it because I have. To deny the physical attraction to you is to deny the very thing that makes you and me human. There are things much more important to me than that. Simple things that some people in relationships seem to take for granted. I’d give anything to just be able to walk with someone, share our experiences and stories of happiness. I’d give even more for someone to understand that.
The reason it surprised me so when you and ****** started dating is because of the feelings I just shared with you. I still had them and I have them now. And I know I shouldn’t have acted so selfish. I should’ve been happy for ***** and you but I wasn’t. Deep down me felt crushed. Since your mom made up break up, I haven’t wanted to be next to anyone else but you. I didn’t want to bother with trying to go out and meet someone special when I already knew you. You don’t compare to anyone I could ever run into in this lifetime. You make me want to be a better person.
I have the feeling now after all this time that things will never be the same between us because I’m sure you don’t feel the same as I do, but I figured I owed it to you to know how I felt; to know the reasons why I’m silent on the phone with you at times. You deserve the best Tiffany and never let anyone else tell you different. Whether we stay in touch or stay friends down the road from now, I’ll always love you Tiffany.

He didn't type astericks, I just did that the entire internet wouldn't know who raped me.
This letter he sent me...got me through dealing with that rape.  Through dealing with a lot of things, really....
Just knowing that someone was capable of caring about me and loving me as he did...did wonders.
It pains me so much, even to this day to know how badly I hurt him.  ...All needlessly for some stupid asshole that did nothing but screw my head up for a very long time.

In 2008, we attempted a second go at our relationship.  His feelings had stayed strong for me, and he hadn't really dated anyone else.  I had dated, and even fallen in love with another, but he still had a special place in my heart.
I had moved out and was living with some friends and he had moved to Monticello and was living with some friends.  We became infatuated with each other all over...we talked for hours once more like we'd never even paused to take a breath in the first place.  We watched movies together and ate food together...we were practically inseparable. And then...one day, when I went to his house after school as usual, he stopped me at the door.  He told me he never wanted me to come over to his house again and that yes, he was serious..and he closed the door on me.  I knocked again and again and called him over and over and the more I yelled through his windows the louder he turned his music.
So I left.
I went home.
And I bawled my eyes out, broken hearted once more.
I never knew why that happened or why he said those things to me.
I still don't...
I went to go get an STD check, as a mutual friend suggested I should do.
Sure enough, the day I graduated from high school I found out I had chlamydia.
I called him, but no answer, so I asked a friend to tell him to call me because it's very important.
When he finally does, I tell him what the test results were...and he said "Thanks for letting me know" and hung up.
Our friend group was immediately divided.  I felt ostracized and abandoned.
We didn't speak for two years.  He dated some other girl, and I dated a few other guys.  He moved to Little Rock and I moved off to college and back.  Now, like I said, he spins all over and is somewhat famous in these parts. :)
Last month, he came to my house for a Family Gathering. (Ever since Cameron's death, our friend group gets together to honor her memory every week.)  We stayed up all night talking.  We apologized and said we wanted to reconnect, even though we are both very different people now.  A new beginning to an old friendship!
The next week, he came back and stayed the night again...once more, we stayed up all night talking.  It was hard to lay beside him and not move closer and let him embrace my entire body like his lanky arms are such experts at.
But.  I love Jeff.  I am happy with Jeff.  I refrained from wrapping my heart and arms around my old love.
The next week, I went to The White Party that he spun at.
He even danced a little with me!  I could feel our flame re-igniting....
But.  I love Jeff.  I am happy with Jeff.  I refrained from fueling that old flame.
That night, I stayed at his house and got myself stranded in Little Rock with no ride home.
Once again, we talked until sunrise and watched movies like old times. :)
Some of his friends came to visit, and we all went out and ate and saw a dollar movie.
It was magnificent. :)
Then, I left...and drama ensued.  People talking that Jeff wasn't comfortable with me staying with my ex and blah blah blah....
Once again, we haven't spoken in a few weeks...
All because he doesn't want to ruin Jeff and I.
Because he thinks I'm happy with Jeff and wants me to be happy....
If only things had gone different for us....I'd be living with him in Little Rock, going to UALR, and happy as peach!
Well, maybe, anyways.
But alas...I'm glad we're not together.
I'm glad we're at least on speaking terms again though.
I really just wanted to talk about him because after I read that message earlier tonight, I realized that I truly hurt him.  I feel so bad for that...there is no pain like a broken heart.
But then again, no heart broken over a relationship has ever heart as bad as the broken heart I have after losing Cameron.
I miss her so much....
But yeah, anyways, I really...I feel so shitty!  Should I tell him, though?  Or just leave it?
I think I'll leave it alone.
After all...I'm not on his mind right now and that pain is probably long gone from him...
Although, the night I spent at his house, he told me his missed me and often thought of me.  That little things reminded him of me, and that sometimes, those things would make him smile. :)

The story of the second:
Back in high school, I dated Anthony.  He rocked my world.  He was sexy, funny, smart, out-going...a total nerd! I was a freshman and he was a senior. I had THE biggest crush on him.  I mean, we're talking, doodling his name on papers with hearts around it kind of school girl crush.  He put butterflies in my tummy like no body else.  :)
He didn't even know I existed....
BUT!  When Blade: Trinity came out, our friend group made plans to go see it together.  I needed a ride and he offered.  We exchanged numbers so I could give him directions when it was time for him to come pick me up.  Turns out...he lived right down the street!  (This was the first time my mother let me go to the movies unchaperoned...I was 14.)  He sat next to me in the movie.  He held my hand.  I was swooning.  I still don't remember what happened in that damn movie....all I could think the entire time was "Anthony is holding my hand.  Does this mean he likes me?  Should I say something?  What should I do?  Anthony's holding my hand.  Anthony is holding MY hand!" Haha!  Well, our relationship grew...he bought me a beautiful promise ring.  We had kittens together, and we played video games together, and sometimes he would drive over to my house to surprise me, tap on my window, and take me out driving around in his old Bronco....life was good and love was easy.  He took me to his senior prom, and to Riverfest, and sat by my side while I was hospitalized from a suicide attempt....but that's another story.... He made me feel like we had the rest of forever to live and love each other....and then...he joined the army.  He went to basic training, and we wrote each other constantly.  He got stationed in Hawaii and we made plans for me to move there when I graduated high school.  We talked on the phone and computer and webcammed every day and night.  I was okay with the distance...it felt like our bond was so strong that the miles that separated us didn't even matter.  He eventually moved out of the barracks and into a house with his best friend, Chris, and his best friend's wife.  I became friends with his best friend.  He was so cool, too.  He became my best friend as well, and we were all happy. :)
Then one day, all of a sudden...Anthony just stopped talking to me.  Just plain stopped.
I tried and tried and tried to talk to him, to find out why, how, what was wrong, how could I fix it....how could we just go back to being happy?
But it was all in vain.
I even asked Chris...and never really got a straight answer...except that his wife had cheated on him and Anthony had cheated on me.
They cheated with each other...
Then one day, this shows up in my MySpace inbox:

I don't know how often you check this myspce, so i will say some thing to you on this one, and since I am in the field for a week, you might forget everything I say to you in here, thereby allowing us to go on as if nothing was ever said. But i cant let another conversation with you pass without you knowing a few simple truths I hold dear.
Tiffany, I say everything to you in full honesty. I started talkin to you because you were simply just hot. That was it. But this past weekend has been the greatest weekend of my life. You have shown me so many feelings deep inside me, i have never felt before. You have shown me a side of me, i thougth to be dead. I spent every moment this past weekend like a new puppy on its first day home alone, waiting for the family to get home from work and school. I guess what im saying is that I spent every second checking my inbox for messages from you, and as soon as i got one, i read it with the biggest smile i have ever worn.
Everytime I look at your pictures, I cant help but be swallowed into them. I cant stop staring. Everything about you is just so.......right.
Every word you speak or type, it hits me deeper than anyones words before ever could have. But I find myself asking myself, why? Why does she act like this towards me, when obviously she wants another? Why does she talk to me like she does? Could it be that she likes me?
Then of course that negative voice in us all chimes in, Why would SHE want YOU? She's known Anthony far longer!!! You are nothing to her.
I ache inside when i am not talking to you, Tiff. You have no idea how it feels to know the one person you want to talk to, and simply hear their voice, doesn't really want to talk to you at all. You have no clue.
I watched you, on the cam when we were IMing each other, and i had the biggest smile on my face. Every move you made, every smile you gleamed, every time you it that enter key, I was beeaming with happiness. A happiness I have been deprived of for so long.
Another thing that I have felt, is that you honestly DO care about my problems. I will always be here to listen to you, but noone wants to spend time for me. And i felt like you truly did. Like you really cared.
There is so much more I really want to say, but I have said enough already. You might have already made up you rmind to not talk to me anymore, so whats the point of making it worse.
Please just remember thisone little thing.
Everything I have said here in this message.
They are not JUST words. This is what i feel. My feelings, spilled out, for you, Tiffany.
ps-Please dont hate me for this. I just had to say something before I started crying

Truth was, I was suppressing the same feelings for him because of Anthony.  I didn't want to screw up my relationship, his marriage, or their friendship.
I confessed this to him when he got back from the field. Thus begun our romance over the last 7 years.  Every morning as I drove to school and every afternoon as I drove home from school, he would call me.  We webcammed every night.  We talked of many things, all things, and we were happy.  All others never have compared.  He owns my heart and makes my soul sing.  He is the hero I hold out for, and the life-breath I cling to...over the years, after his divorce he's dated and talked to several girls and I've dated and talked to many guys.  It matters not, we still know who we're going to end up with:  each other.  We've stayed in fairly constant touch over the years, each time we fell out of contact we picked right back up again like no time had passed.  He makes my world stand still.
He has a beautiful daughter, by the way....
He went to Iraq...
When he came home and went on leave, he came to visit me.
He spent a weekend with me.
That, to this day, is the best weekend of my life.
He rode up, on his motorcycle, dressed in all black.
He stood tall and strong, his tight leather jacket clung to him like a second skin.
He was taller that I'd imagined, and no video chat or photos I saw did him any justice.
He was the most handsome man I'd ever laid eyes on.
He'd just driven 11 hours on a motorcycle so he was very tired and we layed in the bed and talked for a while.
Cameron, my roommate at the time and best friend (She died on November 3rd, 2010), brought us Wendy's and we ate and soon laid down for sleep.  The cradle of his shoulder meeting his chest fit my head perfectly.  His arms wrapped snug around me.  That night, we clung to each other so tightly...like we'd wanted to all of these years....like nothing could ever tear us apart.  The next morning, I woke up to what I was sure was a dream...but it wasn't.  And I was overjoyed.
And my world was perfect.
And I wanted for nothing...except to never have to get out of that bed.
But, alas, I had to babysit that day...and so...my mom went instead for me. :)
She's awesome.
We returned to my apartment after showing my mom where the kid's house was and we took a shower together.
I have a horrible body image by the way, but somehow...I was able to let go of some of that around him.
I was, quite frankly, to happy to finally be in his company in person that I just didn't care...
about anything.
May I just add...not only do our bodies intertwine perfectly when cuddling, but best sex ever, too!
And that night, I threw a small party so all of my friends could meet the love of my life...but he and I went to bed early...because he had to leave the next day....
And then he left.
Just like that.
And I didn't hear from him for nearly two months.
It was horrible.
I felt my fat self was too ugly or that maybe it way my lisp...or that maybe he hadn't felt the same powerful feelings that I had....
And then, we talked again.  Picked up like we'd never left off.
And this happened several times....
And somewhere in there, Anthony and I started talking again....and now, by the way, they don't speak...and Anthony told me that no one ever compared to me and that I was the only one for him and he was coming home to get me and marry me....and well, that never happened..and I'm pretty sure he's married again now....
Anyways.  Chris.
I mean, I feel really foolish loving him.
I know I'm not his priority girl.
He talks to several females way more attractive than me...but I still hold out hope that our connection is greater than any of them have with him.
I still hold out hope that someday, I'll feel those strong arms wrapped so tightly around me again that a tornado couldn't tear us from each other.  That I'll feel his rough and hardened hands slide gently down my sides to my hips once more....
And then, when Cameron passed, he helped me through that.  As a former soldier, he is no stranger to death.
A few weeks ago, on my way to The White Party, he texted me and I told him about The White Party and sent him a photo of my outfit that night.
He then sent me this message on facebook:

so hey, last night, i was so in love with sleep, simply because all of my dreams involved you...
one of them we fought zombies together, another we were held up in a shelter together and homeless...
but the most memorable dream, in that, i remembered every aspect of it, is what i want to tell you about...
i remember i was laying bed, and the rest of the world was deciding that it was time to eat breakfast, but for some reason, i felt that it was not time for breakfast...
and then you came in dressed in all white, and you said to me,
"I just dont feel like now is the time for what they want."
and you laid down in bed with me...
as soon as i tightened my arms around you, the rest of the world vanished, in an instant. We were left alone in the world.
as days went by, we never once took a second to worry about what had happened to everyone else, we spent the days with each other, constantly making each other smile through jokes, and fun pranks...
we didnt need anyone else to live our lives happy. We just needed each other...we lived out our lives together in complete solitude, until our final days...
when i woke up, and talked to you, and you told me you were going to a white party, it all made sense...
in my dream you were wearing all white, and we lived out lives together happily without anyone and regardless what anyone said...
it all made sense and now was the time to tell you how i felt...everything i have done in life has seemed to build up to this one moment...the moment i tell you all these things..
I know that i have told you many times before that i love you, but i mean, i want you to really understand this time, more than ever, that i REALLY TRULY love you...i mean, i have had relationships, and one night stands and such since we have known each other, but it al was to try and fill this hole that was in my heart...a hole the was left by you...
when i came and saw you at your place years ago, i hadnt realized that the hole in my heart in there because i left a piece of me there with you...you have held a piece of me this entire time, and i cannot ever let you out of my life...
I do love you more than anything, and i want to start something now, that we couldnt start before...I want us to work towards a future together...One where me and you can grow together and make each other happy each and every day...I see us together in the future, and i see us having an amazing time together, and now that i am back home in the mainland, i believe that this is the time to start something together..
It has never felt right with anyone, but with you, i mean, just THINKING about it feels right...
you are perfect for me, and i can promise you i can be the man of dreams...
i can sacrifice as much as is needed to bring a smile to your face...
i would do anything for you, because i really love you..
you have always been the girl of my dreams, and you always will be...
i hope that you are having a good time at the party, and iif you get a chance write me back...
I love you, Tiffany

I will be yours, forever...

And now, we're talking again.  Though, I must admit, it's not like our old conversations....there are lulls...but that's okay.  I fill those lulls by daydreaming about being by his side again.
I've made plans to go visit him over Spring Break and if things work out...I plan to move up there with him.
I'll go to school there and we'll get us a little place...and eventually a big place, pop out a few kids and live happily ever after.
I still feel foolish, and part of me is doubtful that he really wants me to come to visit him
I mean, I'm just some fat girl from Arkansas with big dreams and little means.
I'm nothing.
I'm boring, too....
My stomach is churning at the thought of him rejecting me once I get there, or worse yet, tell me not to come.
I will be crushed if that happens.
I mean, I really truly have never felt stronger for anyone ever.
And it's been a constant feeling for seven years.
I want so badly for him to finally be happy, for I think he truly deserves happiness, but...my only wish is that I could be the one to give him limitless happiness. :)
But like I said, in the back of my mind, I'm laughing at myself, calling myself an idiot, and telling myself I'm foolish.
But then again,  we only truly regret what we don't do right?
Might as well give it a shot!
Not to mention, if he rejects me, I can just come home and tell all my friends that I rejected him.... ;)

In the meantime, I'm going to stick with my current boyfriend, at least, for as long as we can hang on...
And Chris just recently got a new girlfriend.

I suppose I should talk about the current boyfriend, since I'm talking about other men, eh?
What's to say?  I love him, I really do.  But.
I just don't feel like he cares about me as much as I care about him.
I mean, really....he was a friend that I had a one night stand with and two years later, here we are.
We live an hour apart.  We rarely see each other...
We don't even talk or text everyday.
It used to be so different than it is now.
I don't know what's changed....
I mean, I know he does his own thing up there aka isn't faithful.  I'm not THAT stupid.
But clearly, I'm planning to run off and see my 7-year long crush so I can't really talk much there.
But Jeff....there's something about him that makes me never want to let him go.
But then again, that could just be the challenge of getting him to love me.
He says he does love me and whenever I question it, it's just a big fight.
Whenever I question anything with him it's just a big fight.
I have to beg for his time and fish for compliments and he never tells me how he feels.
Unless his drums are broken and then he tells me how sad he is about that.
I used to think that someday, he and I would have a huge wedding with all our families and live happily ever after...but the more time passes the less hope I have for us.
I mean...I would have already moved up there if he hadn't told me not to...
But sometimes he does wonderful things for me.
He's not a bad guy, don't get me wrong.  He's an amazing person with a beautiful spirit.
I just...I know, deep down, we won't last.
We want different things out of life and from each other.
I feel like he only wants me to talk to or be around when there's no one else for him to talk to or be around....
But then other days, I feel like he really may actually care deeply for me.
And still other days, I feel like he's just pretending to care because that's easier than hurting me and us fighting.

Regardless, I know my heart wants Chris.
My body, mind, and spirit want Chis.
But...there's that voice saying that I'm a foolish girl with silly delusions about love and happily ever after...
And so I cling to what's left of me and Jeff...most likely making him miserable in the process and pushing him further away than he already is.
I just...gah.
I'd hoped that writing this would help clear my head a bit on this situation.
But alas, it has only brought back all sorts of memories:
Moonlight walks, snowball fights, sipping hot chocolate in a room full of black lights.
Jumping railroad tracks in an old Bronco, laying on a blanket in the yard in his arms watching a lightening storm, reading and re-reading crumpled letters and writing and re-writing tear-soaked pages of letters back.
Laying on a couch next to a ping pong table during the wee hours of the morning, smoking on balconies and patios while sipping cheap coffee out of dirty mugs, sitting in that drum room kissing my hearing good-bye just for that face he makes when he gets nervous to play for me...
Such wonderful memories. <3

The emotion that stirs inside of us lucky enough for it...it could be love, but it could never be anything greater.
Nothing is greater than love.
Not evil, not hate, not even a very strong professional MMA fighter.

Love is a many splendid thing.
Love lifts us up where we belong.
All you need is love!

"The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and to be loved in return."

I want to watch Moulin Rouge.
Can you tell? ^.^

But more than that, I want to watch his lips curl into a smile because I just kissed them...
And then fall asleep in his arms wrapped securely around me. :)

The subject is a lie.
I totally believe in them.
I live for them.

I want one sooooooo  badly.

In fact.
If I had testicles...
I would totally do something unnecessarily brutal to them in exchange for a happy ending.

And really, a moderately happy ending would be great and all...
but I would prefer the kind that would inspire jealously in all who knew the story.

What I'm actually having trouble with, is figuring out how to make this happen for me.

You see, I am really quite sick of settling with not getting phone calls or texts everday.
I know I can't see him everyday.
That's fine with me.
Well, not really....but I'm pretty sure he would get sick of me.
[[It's not a lack of self-esteem, it's logical.]]
Phone conversations do not need to be lengthy, they do need to exist tho.
But honestly. It takes 10-30 seconds to send a text message.

For example:
If I text him, "Hey babe.  I just saw the preview for that game you were telling me about.  BADASS!!! Can't wait for you to get it and me to play it!!!"
Acceptable: "Told ya it was badass. I can't wait to get it either."
Preferred: "Afternoon, babe.  I told you it was awesome!  I can't wait to get it either. I'm getting it the day it comes out, wanna come over the day after to play?"
What I get:  "lol''

Example B.
My text to him: "I think I finally got the hang of that song I was learning on guiar.  Ready to teach me another?"
Acceptable: "Sure. Know what song you want?"
Preferred: "Good job!  I knew you could do it, it was easy! =p  What song do you want to learn next?"
What I get:  ''lol ok''

Example C.
My text:  "Hey how was class tonight?"
Acceptable: "It was ok/crap."
Preferred:  "It was ok/crap.  [[insert details like the professor saying something incorrect, new information learned, if he/she called on you and how you reacted, anything at all that is even slightly interresting that may have happened at all]]"
What I get:  ''[[nothing.]]"

And yeah, I understand that men aren't exactly as great as detailed communication as women are....but damn.
I used to feel like I'd known him forever and I couldn't wait to learn more about him. =]
Now I feel like I either barely know him and all, or I know him too well and everything is predictable.

But then again...predictable is good.  It's secure.  It's...well, comfortable.

But the truth is...
I'm not comfortable with how things are right now.
I keep telling myself if I stick it out a little while longer, it will be worth it.
And I whole-heartedly believe it will. =]
Like a happy ending should be, ya know.

But then I worry that I'm missing out on other things.
I am so easily tempted by other prospects...
I know I would never see anything come of them, but damn.

He just texted me.
"love u. night.''

*inserts foot in mouth*

yeah, i'm a mix of over joyed and incredibly guilty right now.

He is amazing, as crappy as he is, he is amazing.
lmao...I sound like a crazy person.
Well, I am...so that makes it okay...
But yeah...he's physically -in every way- completely stunning. =]
We have alot of common interests, and he's super smart.
Seriously, sometimes his vocabulary exceeds mine.
That's saying something, too.

Also he's the only man who's ever sat in freezing rain with no jacket just to surprise me for my birthday.
[[for the record, an amazing man once drove 11 hours in the rain on his motorcycle to see me...]]
But yeah, I love my boyfriend.
But....can you blame me for bitching?
I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.
I miss him terribly...

Ugh. g'night.

I'm a sad little cunt.

No joke, I'm such a whiny bitch I wish I didn't have to put up with me all day....

But I do.

I could always just zone out...or develop multiple personality disorder.

I think I'll do that.
I want to be 4 people:
1. Tiffany, the bitch with a hard, icy exterior who means well and is frequently misunderstood by the idiots she surrounds herself with to remind her of how much better at everything than everyone else is. She is pretty boring...
2. Audrey, the nymphomaniac with a good heart. She yearns for deep, meaningful relationships...yet no one can keep up with her libido. And if they can, it's due to being completely undesired by everyone else. She is a tease, and wanted by everyone in a 80 mile radius.
3. Hubert, the manly man who does all sorts of handy things around the house. He's also kinda gay. He loves Lady Gaga, America's Next Top Model, DIY projects, and glitter.
4. Charlotte, she is very kind and caring. She loves charities and helping others. She's completely selfless and very wise. She's like a nun, only not so nun-ish. Also, she likes to recycle teeshirts...

Or not...because all of this would take way too much effort. I think I'll just stick with the number one choice on that list of personalities....as I already am Tiffany.

Blah Blah Blah.
I'm back in school.
It's really lame because I'm going to get my certification in Phlebotamy.
[[drawing blood...]]
I totally don't want to do it.
I really don't want to have to touch sick people and get their blood from them.
I'll also have to be nice to them.
And stuff that's not fun....

But I actually kidding about those...I'm not that bitchy...
It's certainly NOT what I want to do with my life.
But it will pay the bills until I decide between my other career choices:
1.  Aquiring radiation poisoning and fighting evil.
2.  Learning every possible language spoken here on Earth and translating for important and sexy people.
3.  Losing two tons of weight and becoming a high-fashion model.  I love couture, and I need a job that will pay me enough to buy it!
4.  Digging up stuff from ancient peoples who lived a long, long time ago.  They were too busy surviving without the internet and television to be bored...so I'm sure this field will keep me intrested for the rest of my life.  There isn't much retirment in Anthropology and Archaeology....

Terrorists suck, ya'll.
Just thought I'd mention that.
Because one of them wants a trial.
I think...that instead of a trial, someone should just kick his ass brutally every hour -on the hour- ....or! we could do something else horrible, brutal, and mean...

Oh, by the way... I apparently have a subscription to Forbe's magazine???  Yeah..... I usually don't read magazines.  =/  Except for Game Informer, Cosomopolitan (rarely, as I find it pointless, shallow, and not raunchy enough.),  National Geographic, Time (sometimes.), and Rolling Stone.  But I attempted to read some of one of the Forbes I have....I put it down after reading the table of contents.  Nothing wrong with this magazine.  I just am not too interested in the dramatics of business and beaurocracy.  *shrug*  But, seriously, how did I get this subscription?????  I ended up just cutting out cool words, some alcohol ads, and big letters....ya know....for those collages and that scrapbook I'll never get around too.
[[By the time I can find the time, money, and energy to do a scrapbook, I will no longer remember the memories I was going to scrapbook...]]

Back to the magazines I read:
1.  Game Informer.
2.  Cosmo [[usually just the parts concerning sex and sexuality...I don't care about perfume and celebrities.  Just the 9,999 ways to hump.]]
3.  National Geographic...but really, I don't read all of it.  Just the interesting article and all the picture captions.
4.  Time.  When the cover gets my attention.
5.  Rolling Stone.  I have read this religiously since 8th grade. =]

Now, the e-zines I subscribe to mostly concern video games and DIY crafty stuff.

So, juding by this media profile...you can tell what?
I'll tell you what you can tell!!!

I am the perfect woman.

Here's why:
1.  I like video games enough to play them with you.  If I feel sorry for you, I'll let you win. =]  That way, your manhood is intact. =p
2.  I like sex and making sure that you do, too.
3.  I like all kinds of music.  So we're sure to get along no matter what type you like.  Unless you don't like music.  Then, you probably aren't breathing either.  You should probably go flirt with a nercrophyliac in this case.

There's other reasons why I'm perfect, but I don't want to sound concieded. =]

Gah...I'm going to crochet a freakin' hat for my godmum.
But I'm avoiding facebook and myspace.
I find myself slowly becoming a creeper and I'm not okay with it...

Watch out, imaginary audience I pretend is interested in this livejournal of mine...I may creep all over you next.


Soooooooo effink sorry about that last post.

Kinda lame, eh? =/

Anywho, I'm feeling much better.
I am currently procrastinating on making my Christmas presents.
I'm crochetting and knitting things for everyone, and I am very much behind.

Nikki showed me a new show today.
Er, new to me.
Big Bang Theory.

I LOVE IT!!!!!!

Oh, and the worst news for the day:
While Burger King in America did gay Twilight promotions.
[[Further reason for me to boycott the franchise, just sayin'...]]
Burger King in Japan did a Windows 7 promotion.
They had the Windows 7 Whopper. This was a regular Whopper, with 7 meat patties.
I know this is also old news, but once again - it's new to me.

I hate Twilight.
But I won't rant about it.

The books are literary trash and I never saw the movies.
Because I have better things to do than sit in a theatre with pop-culture idiots who refuse to think for themselves and condone the idea of the putrid bullshit our culture says love is all about.

K...promise I'm done with my rant.


I'm also done with this post...I have to finish some amigurumi I am making for my boyfriend's little sisters. =]
5 Ways to Ruin Yourself Academically:
  1. Always be sure to doodle during lectures.
  2. Never do your homework for any class ever.
  3. Lie your ass off about late assignments.
  4. Procrastinate like you're getting paid for it.
  5. Do not talk to any of the other students you
    have classes with or your professors.

6 Ways to Ruin Yourself Socially:
  1. Lock yourself in your dorm for hours on end.
  2. Listen to screamo super loud at three in the morning.
  3. Mark yourself as a pushover:  let folks bum smokes.
  4. Not dress like a highschool slut, complete with fake giggle.
  5. Avoid all the mixers and parties.  No one cares anyways.
  6. Never greet people in return.

5 Ways to Ruin Yourself Physically:
  1. Never sleep.  It's so good to run on empty.
  2. Eat five-seven plate fulls of various foods during each visit to the caf.
  3. Never excercise.
  4. Keep endorphins in captivity.
  5. Stress over homework you know you won't do.

5 Ways to Ruin Yourself Emotionally:
  1. Force friendships from empty potential.
  2. Love the one who won't ever give you a chance.
  3. Become easily jeleous of the success of others.
  4. Think too much about sad/difficult things.
  5. Take things back home to seriously.
There you have it.  All these things I have done and here are my mid-term grades:

C.I. - didn't go to class to get grade, but i know it's a 0
Algebra - 55 F
Comp II - 0
Theology - 0

yeah....i need a swift kick, eh?

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